Drift.

Be a drifter. Just drift along the waves of life no matter how hard it will be. You can’t fight the waves but the more you fight them the more tired you’ll be. Put up a strong front, isolate all thoughts and just drift. Whatever life give you be it good or bad, take it as it is and move on. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, and wiser.

From myself. To myself.

Peaceful Solitude

1 more week left to POP. Time does fly indeed. From the moment i was enlisted, full of hatred, to now- thinking about how much i will miss my 2nd family; Taurus Platoon 1. It has been an adventurous journey for me. Making new friends and getting involved in strenuous and mentally challenging activities. Taurus have been through the toughest field camp among this batch but only we know how tough it really was no matter how much we tell people about it. Truth be told i am not willing to go through another field camp like that- not even for command school sake. With the rain and sand-filled uniforms, the shivering nights, the tiring shell scrape diggings and the strenuous fire movement 5 days in a row, only the toughest person will be more than willing to go through that shit hole again. 

On the bright side, it was these hardships that we’ve gone through and pulled through together as comrades, that gives us this sense of pride, which of course entitles us to our bragging rights. When we were first enlisted we’d never thought we were this tough. For every challenging obstacle we go through, we grow stronger- both mentally as well as physically. Nevertheless, on the camaraderie side, we all grew fonder of each other, not in a homosexual manner but rather, in a brotherhood kind of manner. The people who were there to push me beyond my limits, assist me in every single tough situation and encourage me to push through even though the conditions were not in our favor, was not my family, not my girlfriend, not my outside friends whom i have known for years but rather, my comrades- people whom i’ve only met for 4 months.

Yes, some might say 4 months is just too short to know a person too well but hey when a person is under pressure and in the worst of situations, they will show their true colours. And only i know how good and tough these comrades of mine are. No one else knows how much we have really gone through and no one will ever know, except for us, even if we told people about it, words can never match the true experience.

Aside from all this, I want to reflect on how i’ve changed throughout my BMT journey. Ever since i was enlisted, i have a hard time ‘prioritising’ my commitments. Family, girlfriend and friends. For almost 3 months i did not get to meet my usual clique of friends as i was too busy spending time with either my family or my girlfriend. And even between these two it’s hard to balance. As a result i lack having my own ‘me-time’. I don’t get the chance to do things that i like often. When i do have my own free time, most of the time i would unpack/pack my field pack, wash clothes or sleep right away. I rarely get to play my games anymore. For guys like me, games are one of the things that help me unwind myself from all the stress. No one will exactly know how i feel nor how stressed up i am from all the commitments in my social life as well as my NS life. Sometimes i just wanna take a break from everything and everyone. I just want peace and solace where i can partially feel alive again. 

I feel so dead inside. Every week it’s the same routine. No life. Book in, 5 days, book out, meet family/girlfriend/friends, and then book in again and repeat. I really miss the freedom that i used to have but i realised that whining is not going to help at all. I just have to go with the flow and follow the drift because i don’t have much of an option.

….

Within these short 4 months i’ve realised that i’ve changed. For the worse or the better, i’m not sure. I just know that i’m not the person whom i used to be before i enlisted. Not just me but my company mates as well.  We all can sense it. In one way or another we all have changed but no one can exactly pinpoint these ‘changes’. All we know is that everyone’s been toughened up- physically and especially mentally. And this brings me back to a poster i saw that said something like “It’s not about what you leave behind, it’s about what you gain in the days ahead.” and another poster that said something like “A diamond is a coal made good under pressure.” 

I never took these words seriously before, i just laughed it out when i first saw it. But today i realised that only people like us will know the significance and the true meaning of those words.

I don’t expect the people around me to understand my change of behaviour but all i can hope for is perpetual patience to put up with me. I know that i have develop certain undesired characteristics but dealing with the worst of men in the worst of situation tended to change you for the worst. I know that’s no excuse but hey, im only human.

And how i wish i could feel.. that pure and newfound feelings again…

Your first love brings up emotions that you may never have felt before - wild and passionate and almost startling in their intensity, almost a pure version of strong emotions that, later on in life, experience teaches you to dilute.

(Source: marifatale)

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